I really can't even try to put into words the love and gratitude I feel for everyone that posted, texted, emailed, messaged etc throughout the night that night. It was like finding light in the darkness both figuratively and literally as I laid in bed staring at the faint glow of the up and down buttons on my hospital bed. I don't think that I had a single focused thought that night, but every time my phone lit up it was a gentle reminder that I was still alive, and safe and loved. I am eternally grateful and completely inspired by the outpouring of love I received from everyone.
In the morning, I decided to "get up" around 6:00 am. The nurse had come in throughout the night to check on me and she was there again. I went to the bathroom and was startled by my instantly flat(ish) stomach. (I said ish.) I was amazed how fast everything kind of goes back to normal. The doctor came around shortly after and talked about what I could expect to experience during the recovery period and to answer any questions that we had. Jamal and I had to make some decisions about what kind of testing we wanted, if any, in order to figure out what happened. We also hadn't thought about the fact that we had to decide what we were doing with the body.
Our midwife came by around 8:00 am to check in and ended up sitting and chatting for almost an hour while she held the baby. We explained to her all of the events that took place the night before and talked to her about what she thought we should do as we moved forward. She told us that genetic testing is extremely expensive and is not covered by insurance. In less than 50% of cases do they actually find anything of value and at that point they have to do more testing to figure out if it was a chronic problem or fluke. They also would have to do additional testing to see which one of us was carrying the genetic abnormality.
So, in our situation there were several options for testing:
Tier 1- Low Cost
Physical examination of the placenta, baby and umbilical cord to see if they can determine any physical abnormalities or reasons why this happened. They could possibly determine if the umbilical cord was defective or if there was damage for some reason.
Tier 2- Middle Cost
Full Blown Autopsy... we all know what that involves
Tier 3- High Cost
Genetic Testing and other extensive tests.
At this point, Jamal and I asked for two things 1. To speak to another doctor and 2. To talk to the hospital social worker (which I HIGHLY recommend no matter who you are and how much money you think you have.)
We spent all day waiting for these two people to come and see us, but it was very productive when they did. Because of the information we received from our midwife about the genetic testing, we were able to ask the doctor some specific, direct questions about how she felt the testing would benefit us in our situation. She agreed that very rarely does anyone find anything useful and the costs FAR outweigh the potential benefits. We chose to forgo the extensive tests. I felt more comfortable moving forward and spending our resources on preventing this from happening again in the future rather than looking back. She also said she didn't think an autopsy would benefit us in our situation.
Nice! We probably "made" several thousand dollars or more by demanding to speak with another doctor and actually following through and waiting all day for her to come. Talking to her had eliminated all of the high cost testing options and we didn't have to deal with the guilt of "does this decision mean we don't care about what happened to our child.... or more importantly will THEY think we don't care about our child if we opt out of the testing." We opted for only the physical examination.
The hospital social worker also had some really incredible information about our options for burying the baby. If it was up to me, I would have taken the baby with us and buried it on our own somewhere out in the wilderness where only Jamal and I would know. Yeah, they don't let you do that. It's not worth asking. Jamal told the social worker, "If the answer is no, that is fine but I want to know WHY the answer is no and what exact law prevents us from doing this." This poor women called pretty much every law enforcing body in the state of Wisconsin and we did not get anyone's permission. No one knew of the exact law but no one said we could do it. Someone from a funeral home had pick up the remains because transporting human remains is against the law in Milwaukee County. The state has different laws but the hospital and Milwaukee County have their own policies and procedures and laws.
So, in light of that information our only option was to work with a funeral home. The social workers alerted us to the fact that Krause's Funeral Home waives all fees for people in our situation. So of course we contacted them. They also told us that there are several cemeteries in the city of Milwaukee that donate plots to parents who have lost a child. One of those cemeteries is Lincoln Memorial where two of my lovely great grandmothers "Cookie Grandma" and "Grammie" are buried. We chose to bury the baby there. (The graveside service happened this morning 1/18/12 at 10:00 because it took that long to get everything situated, papers signed, body released from the hospital etc.) This was a big headache.
By the time all of this was figured out and settled it was about 4:00 in the afternoon on 1/4/12. We said a few more prayers and sat in the quiet of our hospital room for a few more minutes and held the baby. I didn't want to leave the baby there. I know that sounds strange but probably the most difficult moment was walking out of the hospital room and handing the baby over to the nurse. It was very difficult. Both of us didn't really feel like going home yet but we didn't know what to do so we went and sat at a restaurant, got a bowl of soup, and sat there and talked to one another for an hour or so.
We finally decided that we should go home and took showers and prepared to go to sleep. It was really nice to be home but also very strange. My closet was full of maternity clothing and I had birthing books scattered around the house.
As I went to bed I realized hormones are very funny things.... they don't always respond to what actually happened but they definitely respond to what should have happened. I literally couldn't sleep more than 1 1/2 hours at a time. I woke up like clockwork throughout the night. It makes perfect sense though, little babies nurse every two hours or more and my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to do. I had an intense urge to hug/hold something which my pillow benefited from greatly. Unfortunately all the maternal instinct was wasted on a 12x18 inch square of stuffing.
All I could think about that night was, "What do we do now?"
Do we wake up tomorrow and eat breakfast? Am I in shock? How am I feeling? Do I really think everything has settled in yet? Am I dealing with this like a should be? Should we just get up tomorrow and go for a walk? What if our neighbors see us? How do we explain everything? Am I willing and/or able to talk about it to them?
Maybe we should run away and start a new life where no one knows what happened...
Maybe I'll wake up pregnant and this will all be a dream.
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