January doesn't seem to be a good month for me. Seven years ago today, I was having a miscarriage in Israel. It's strange to think back on in light of everything now. I don't know if it was because I was young and didn't know better or if it was because I was young and didn't expect problems but that experience was far more traumatizing than the one I just went through. I remember laying in the hotel room, looking across the room at Jamal and saying, "I think my heart is actually breaking." I had never before experienced a situation in which the grief associated with the event caused actual physical pain. I felt like my heart and lungs were being crushed under the weight of all my crumbling dreams. We hadn't been actively trying to get pregnant so it was a surprise but once I found out I jumped full force into the fact that this would be our new life. I made new plans and new dreams and was very excited.
Afterward, we were encouraged to go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I sat in a long hallway in the hospital there waiting for someone to see me. There was a woman laying on a gurney in the same hallway covered with blood from the waist down.....moaning in pain. It really built up my confidence and didn't scare me at all (sarcasm.) I remember the attending doctor reminded me of Ross on the show Friends, he actually went to school here in the states and attended the Medical College of Wisconsin. Our personal connection to him didn't last long. I remember he asked me why I was there and I told him I had a miscarriage and he said with irritation in his voice, "How do YOU know THAT?????"
Ummmmmm, what the %$@*????
We had brought the baby with us and after looking at it for a few seconds he threw it in the garbage. Enter my searing hot, frothy, trucker mouth and lots of bleeping. I knew then we would have a "challenging" patient/doctor relationship. (Jamal got the baby out of the garbage while he wasn't looking.)
He told me I was going to bleed to death on the plane ride home and also told me to take out my own IV and leave when I refused to have a D&C (the surgery). Why should his expertise be questioned, right? The reason I refused is because I had about seven ultrasounds during my two days there and all of those doctors said that there was nothing left to remove with surgery. It was awesome. He also told me that Jamal couldn't stay overnight with me... no one could. The doctor was so angry that I refused the surgery that I was afraid they would come to get me in the night and do it anyway. Jamal hid and slept that night under my hospital bed so that he could protect me.
Disclaimer: I do not think my experience was a reflection on the Israeli hospital systems or on doctors in general. My experience also had nothing to do with being in a different country. It was specific to the personality and beliefs of the doctor that we were working with. Everyone else was very nice to me. In many ways I think they used technology much more freely and efficiently than they do here in the states. The nurse whispered to us when we were leaving, "all of us think you have made a good decision."
The whole hospital visit which included ER, Inpatient stay for two days AND several ultrasounds cost a total of $944.00. I remember that distinctly because we paid for the visit with cash before we left the hospital because we didn't have health insurance at that time.
Fast forward seven years....We just got a statement of how much the hospital submitted to our current health insurance company only for the inpatient hospital stay.... which doesn't include any of the procedures or doctors that saw me. It only includes me staying in the room and it was $5,400.00.
It must have been the fancy gown they gave me to wear during my visit...... I am pretty sure it was designer.
....So, now what?
Partial Molar Pregnancies can actually be very dangerous. Some women become so ill (pre-eclampsia, liver and or kidney failure) while they are pregnant that they actually have to choose to terminate their pregnancies in order to save their own lives. I feel very grateful that despite everything I remained healthy during the pregnancy and I didn't have to make that choice. All molar pregnancies, complete or partial, have a small chance that they can develop into cancer. In complete Molar Pregnancies, the chance of problems is much higher. If any remnants of conception are left within the uterus, they can continue to grow and cause problems. Luckily the partial molar tissue was very minimal in my case and as far as the lab could tell, everything came out.
In order to make sure I don't have any problems, I have to go back to the hospital once a week and have blood drawn to check my HCG levels. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. When all is well, everything drops to 0 and stays at 0 unless and until you become pregnant again. Any abnormal tissue or remnants of conception will continue to produce HCG and therefore that number will never go down to zero and/or stay there. This is the indicator to the physician that something is wrong and further investigating needs to take place.
After having HCG levels in the 40,000's while I was pregnant, my serum (blood) level dropped to 750 one week after birth. At two weeks (this past Monday) it was at 250. Hopefully by next week it will be down.... but I don't know if that will happen. It takes time to come down all of the way. The doctor is looking for it to drop to 0 and then stay there for three consecutive draws. I think those draws will be monthly rather than weekly once it hits zero.
At that point we will get the clean bill of health.... fingers crossed. In the past, doctors recommended waiting a year before trying to conceive again after a Partial Molar Pregnancy. Hopefully that wont be the case with us but I guess you do want needs to be done. We have another appointment in March to go through all of that.
I woke up yesterday feeling a lot of fear about moving forward. Even though this was just a fluke accident, it is easy to begin doubting and worrying about the future. I am trying not to live in that space but it's very difficult and there isn't much that can be said to make me feel better about it. Jamal and I have talked and talked and talked. The doctors and I have talked and talked and talked. There are positive, rational answers to all of my questions and concerns. The only way to actually get past any fear and doubt is to climb its mountain again and see whats on the other side.
I will be very skeptical of any "answers" until I do.
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